


distorted eyes when everything is clearly dying

by notthebigspoon



Series: The Crow and the Butterfly [2]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-21
Updated: 2012-09-21
Packaged: 2017-11-14 17:41:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/517841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notthebigspoon/pseuds/notthebigspoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve McGarrett functioning in his normal manner is a little off kilter. Steve McGarrett tortured and consumed by grief is a different creature entirely.</p><p>Title taken from Emotion Sickness by Silverchair.</p>
            </blockquote>





	distorted eyes when everything is clearly dying

Steve McGarrett functioning in his normal manner is a little off kilter. Steve McGarrett tortured and consumed by grief is a different creature entirely. They're right around the one year mark, a little past it actually, when he abruptly stops drinking and resign from the task force. The criminals of the islands are likely rejoicing. Danny is the lost one now, no idea what to do or how to fix it. Chin and Kono look as helpless as he feels.

The day after resigning, he packs his bags, kisses Danny and Grace goodbye with an absence that says he's already gone mentally. They watch him walk into the airport to catch a flight to the mainland. They track him as far as landing in Los Angeles, obtain security footage of him leaving the airport. A glimpse of the back of his head is the last Danny sees or hears of his husband for months.

He throws himself into the task force and Grace's softball league, tries to hide how angry he is at Steve and the world in general. None of this is fair. He's angry at Steve because he had loved Zhul too and the loss had cut him to the core. He'd had to watch his brother-in-law die. He still has nightmares about it. And it wasn't enough that he had lost one of his best friends in this pineapple infested hell, he's losing his husband too and there's nothing he can do about it. He's mad at the world because shit like this shouldn't exist.

He rarely leaves home for anything but work or his daughter. Chin tries to get him to go out for beers and he does, once. They go to the usual spot and the waiter, who had always flirted outrageously with Steve, had asked how Steve was doing with sympathy in his eyes. Danny hadn't answered, opting to finish his beer before leaving without another word. He'd went home and got drunk there, smashing a picture of Steve as well as a family picture with Danny, Grace and all three McGarretts. In the morning, he'd swept up the mess and thrown it all away without giving it a second glance.

After that, he made himself straighten up. Falling to pieces is letting the demons win, is letting Steve's crazy destroy what little Danny has left in the world. His relationship with Grace improves and she stops sleeping at Rachel and Stan's house so often. Kamekona stops refusing to sell Danny shave ice. He gets his friends back. He's not really happy, he doesn't think he'll be that until Steve comes home. If Steve comes home. But he can smile again at least.

He lets Gracie get a cat because she's begging for a pet and he's sworn off dogs of any shape or form, even going so far as to get rid of a few of Grace's stuffed animals. They name it Legolas and it decides that it loves Danny most, following him around the house and sleeping on Steve's pillow at night. He'd given in to Grace's whim for a pet grudgingly. He never thought that it would end up being such a comfort for _him_ , to the point that when Grace was with her mother, he would talk to Legolas as if he were a real person. The sad thing was that it actually felt like the cat understood him.

He doesn't really think anything of it when Legolas arches and spits at the kitchen door one night. It's storming and he never handles that very well. Danny sets out a few treats and Legolas's favorite toy before returning to the couch and resuming his Sanford & Son marathon. He's enjoying himself, actually enjoying himself, when he hears the back door slam. He frowns and checks the clock. The only person that comes over this late is Chin when he thinks that Danny hasn't seen enough human interaction with someone he wasn't putting handcuffs on. Danny climbs to his feet, padding into the kitchen.

“I hope you brought something greasy to eat. It'll be a good excuse for doing a few shots.” He grins, circling the corner through the doorway. He stops in his tracks, feels frozen in place.

There's Steve, his hair shaggy and with a new scar curving over his neck, dressed in his usual cargos and a too tight t-shirt. That's enough to give Danny pause. What really gets his attention is a yowl from Legolas, who shoots off into the storm outside. He runs past Zhul. Zhul who is thin to the point of gauntness, black hair lank and sticking to his face. His eyes are the same luminescent white that they've always been but there's something there that Danny doesn't like, haunted and dark. They make him look like a much different person than Danny knew. Which makes sense, since the person Danny knew is supposed to be dead.

“Hi Danny.”

Steve's voice is a little amused and he's smiling. It feels really good when Danny punches him. His head snaps back and when he's righted himself, blood is pouring from his nose and he looks shocked. He deserves it and Danny tells him so.

“Six months. Six months, McGarrett, of not knowing whether you were alive or dead. Six months alone without one single word of reassurance. So fuck you and fuck your hello!”

It's quiet save for the noise of the storm. Finally, Zhul takes a deep breath before smiling a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. “Well, Danny hasn't changed. Except for the cat. I thought you hated cats. Oh well. It probably won't come back. Cats don't like me very much anymore.”

Danny doesn't know what to say. After a year of grief and six months of fear, this is all too much to process. Zhul says he's going to bed, stops by Danny and if he wants to touch him before shaking his head and disappearing downstairs into the basement. Steve is at the sink, cleaning the blood from his face. When it's gone, he pulls his shirt over his head. Danny doesn't enjoy the view. There's too many new scars, including a jagged slash across his side. Danny's going to be sick.

He doesn't fight it when Steve grabs his hand and leads him to their bedroom. They peel off Steve's sopping wet clothes and Danny's t-shirt and gym shorts. They fall into bed together and Danny takes everything Steve gives him, greedy and hungry for it. When it's over, Steve says nothing, just presses his chest to Danny's and holds Danny close, waiting for Danny to speak. It's as if nothing changed, like they're making up after Steve's recklessness on a case or a hunt.

“He's dead. We watched the hell hounds take him.”

“They did. He... there's been shit going down on the mainland. Someone opened a devil's gate. A lot of things got out. Demons, hell beasts. It's a mess over there.”

“Zhul escaped?”

“Over a month ago. He was lost, confused. Just wandered around, hiding and stealing to get by.”

“How did you find him?”

“Internet.” Steve snorts. “It was kind of like hunting Big Foot. Blue Man sightings. It was a couple of days before everything started coming back to him.”

“He's different.”

“He was in hell.”

That says it all and Danny lets the silence take over. He kisses Steve once, gentle, before closing his eyes and burying his face in his pillow. He barely sleeps, tossing and turning, plagued by nightmares of the night that Zhul died, nightmares of growing old never knowing what happened to his husband. He gives up when the first gray light of dawn is filtering through the windows. Steve is sleeping like a rock, not stirring when Danny climbs out of bed. Danny cleans up and dresses before making tracks for the kitchen. He can smell coffee already.

He's not imagining the scent. Zhul is sitting at the kitchen table with a mug of coffee, picking a muffin apart bit by bit. He's wearing an old Mets t-shirt that Danny had loathed but _had_ looked good on the muscles he'd had before leaving. It hangs off of him now, much too large. Zhul looks up at Danny, takes in the way Danny is watching him before shrugging.

“I don't have much of an appetite anymore. Steve says he's going to make me start drinking protein shakes. I invited him to try.”

Danny nods and gets a cup of coffee for himself before sitting down across from Zhul. He knows he's staring. He clears his throat. “I missed you. So much. We all did.”

“Missed you guys too. When I had the capacity to.” Zhul says, quiet and without emotion.

“I'm glad you escaped. I just-”

“Escaped?” Zhul snorts, pushing his muffin away and standing up. “I didn't escape. They _let_ me out, when the gate opened. They couldn't have stopped me if they wanted to. Y'know, I always wondered where I came from? Well now I fucking know. I really _am_ a monster, the kind people told their children stories about.”

Danny reaches out a hand, tries to speak but Zhul is already out the door. His husband's brother is home. His best friend is home. He should be happy. But he isn't.

He's afraid.

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, in Supernatural, one of my favorite tropes is that they get Papa Winchester back when he escapes the hell's gate. I used that here.


End file.
